


can't look back

by rosieryus



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Gen, eren is a brat who won't stop bothering him, i just love levi and eren being there for each other, i mostly wrote this for me lmao, levi is having a hard time with his emotions, manga spoilers in second chapter, second chapter is angsty sorry, sort of fluffy at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:21:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24262741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosieryus/pseuds/rosieryus
Summary: it happened again, and levi feels like he's going to break.the only difference from the first time? eren yeager.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 32





	1. i could see your face

**Author's Note:**

> i was just thinking about how levi and eren share the burden of humanity since they're humanity's strongest and humanity's hope and all so i wanted to write something showing that precious relationship. 
> 
> (also if you're updated with the manga i am very upset at what's happening so i needed this to cope) 
> 
> this is unedited so i'm sorry for any mistakes! i hope you enjoy <3

_ Day by day, _

_ We have lost our edge. _

_... _

  
  


It wasn’t easy being Humanity’s Strongest. 

People liked to assume that Levi was heartless. That he was stone cold and never felt anything. He only did what he was obligated to, and that was it. 

He didn’t care enough to change their opinions, it didn’t matter anyways. If being heartless was what the people needed him to be, then he did it. 

He was the strongest, and that meant physically and emotionally. He couldn’t let anything else show, humanity depended on him. He shared this burden alone. 

But that all changed when he met Eren Yeager. The boy, only fifteen years old and already experienced horrors that would haunt for a lifetime, took on the same burden when he turned into a titan on that fateful day in the Trost district. They called him Humanity’s Hope, as they finally had a weapon strong enough to fight against the titans. 

He intrigued Levi. The first time he saw him, holding onto his friends for support while titans converged around them. He had no idea what the hell had happened, and how everything had gone to shit in the one day he was gone was beyond him. 

To see three kids, alone and fear lighting up their eyes, with a devastated town and a huge ass boulder somehow placed where the wall was destroyed… It was unlike anything he had ever seen. 

After the Scouting Legion had killed the last titan, he had finally been debriefed on the situation. Eren Jaeger, a boy who had the ability to shift into a titan was able to close the hole and give humanity its first win. 

Levi could only sigh, resting his head on his hands. The boy unknowingly had taken some of the weight off of Levi’s shoulder, and he didn’t know whether to be relieved or to be afraid.

  
  


_ Don't you know? _

_ Forgotten is the life we led. _

  
  


He met him a couple days later, standing outside his cell and observing him while he slept. He crossed his arms, gazing up at Erwin and his expressionless face. “What’s your plan?” He had asked, and to which he received a vague answer. “To change the tides.” 

And then the boy woke up, confused by his surroundings. He looked surprised to see them, admiration lighting up his features. Levi just stared at him, wishing that the admiration would disappear. He didn’t deserve it. 

“What’s your goal?” 

Levi’s eyes widened when Eren answered, before carefully masking his small display of emotion. How the boy could have so much hope yet anger swirling around in his eyes… It was like the two colors were at war with each other, the calm, piercing blue versus the bright, startling green. 

“Not bad.” 

  
  


...

  
  


Eren was smart, even though he appeared to be a dumbass most of the time. Levi didn’t particularly want to beat up a fifteen year old in court, but he did what had to be done. He always did. He didn’t fight back against Levi, and just took kick after punch after kick. 

Levi would look after Eren. Not because he was the only one capable of killing him. But because he couldn’t let Eren shoulder the burden. He would take as much of it off of him as he could. If Eren did anything wrong, Levi would kill him and that would be the end of Humanity’s Hope. 

The weight only became harder to bear, but he bore it. 

  
  


_ Now it seems, _

_ You don't care what the risk is. _

_ The peaceful times have made us blind. _

_ …  _

  
  


God, Levi wanted to scream. He laid gazed up at the black ceiling, eyes shot from not getting any sleep. Everytime he closed his eyes he saw the lifeless bodies of his squad, the people who only a few hours before were smiling and laughing with each other. Each time he came back from a mission, he always felt like he lost a part of himself with the people that were lost, but this was so much worse. It was like the first time, when Isabel and Farlan were taken from him. He never showed it, but his squad meant so much to him. He had been with them for so long, he felt like they would always be there. 

But he was left alone. Again. 

_ Can't look back, _

_ They will not come back. _

An arm came down over his eyes, trying to prevent the tears that wanted to fall. He had to be strong, he  _ needed  _ to be strong. 

_ Can't be afraid, _

_ It's time after time. _

The mask fell. He turned around in his bed, sobbing silently into his pillow. 

_ So once again, _

_ I'm hiding in my room. _

_ The peaceful times have made us blind. _

…

  
  


The next morning, he felt stares burning into his skin. He tried to clean himself up as much as he could, but his eyes were red and dark. It was so obvious that he didn’t get any sleep, but no one commented on it. They wouldn’t dare risk it. 

“Corporal Levi?” A voice tentatively spoke up from the side. 

Levi took a deep breath, turning to face the boy. “What do you want?” 

“I wanted to ask… Are you okay?” Eren blushed, stumbling over his words. “I mean, obviously you aren’t. I shouldn’t have asked. I’m sorry.” He turned to leave, meeting his friends at another table in the mess hall. 

Only one would dare risk it. 

Levi got up, heading towards the equipment section of the castle. He needed a distraction. 

  
  


_ “So you can't fly if never try,” _

_ You told me... Oh, Long ago. _

_... _

Eren was so vulnerable, all of the time. Everyone knew how he was feeling because his heart was so obviously worn on his sleeve. Levi flew through the air, mindlessly taking out the fake titans in the training course. How could he live like that? How could he confess his feelings so readily, especially when people expected so much of him? Levi shook his head, narrowing his eyes. He needed to stop thinking about Eren, it was a waste of time. 

He slashed down another titan. And another. And another. It was so fucking easy, so why couldn’t he save his teammates? 

Not again. Stop thinking. 

He made it to the end, landing gracefully onto the ground. It began to rain, the droplets beginning to soak his hair and skin. He looked up at the dark sky, blinking. 

He remembered the last time it rained. His squad complained about training in this weather, but Levi forced them all to anyway. They were tired, he knew he worked them hard. But it was for the best. 

At the end of the course, Petra exhaustedly fell to the ground, with a bright smile on her face. “You know, even in the rain, you all make training a lot of fun.” 

“Training isn’t supposed to be fun, Petra, it’s training,” Oluo responded, holding up his blades and wiping the water off of it. 

“You have to make the most of a situation,” Eld chimed in, joining Petra and laying next to her. 

Levi crossed his arms, leaning against one of the trees. 

“Corporal Levi! Join us!” Petra began, smiling wide.

“And get mud all over my uniform? No thanks.” 

“That’s our Corporal,” Gunther laughed. 

The droplets landed in his eyes, blurring the memory. Maybe… just this once. 

He set his equipment off to the side, laying against the ground. It was hard to ignore that mud that seeped into his clothes, but he did his best to keep himself distracted by looking up. 

_ But you left the wall, _

_ Outside the gate, _

_ So more than ever, It's real. _

  
  


“I’m so sorry,” he whispered to the sky, “I’m sorry that I couldn’t do more to save you.” 

“Corporal?” 

Oh no. God no. Not that voice. He rushed to get up, wiping the mud off of his clothes. “Yes, Eren?” 

“I uhm… was sent to find you for dinner.” 

“I’ll be right there.” 

Eren didn’t move, bright eyes seeming to analyze his every move. He should have been more aware of his surroundings.

“You don’t have to hide so much,” Eren began, “it’s okay to feel.” 

“We aren’t talking about this, Eren,” Levi began walking towards the castle without looking to see if Eren was behind him. He didn’t have to. Eren was like a lost puppy, always gravitating towards him. 

“If you ever want to talk about it, you could talk to me,” Eren offered, catching up to him and walking by his side. 

“I don’t want to. Leave it.” 

_ It was like a nightmare. _

_ It's painful for me. _

_ Because nobody wants to die too fast. _

“Are you sure?”

“Eren.” 

“Yes, sir.” 

  
  


...

  
  


He was summoned to go to the capital. Erwin had a plan, like he always did. 

It didn’t work out in the way they wanted it to, but they caught Annie. The female titan. 

Levi looked at her through the hardened material, a trace of venom in his eyes. He felt so much seeing the one that killed his team, and willed it to go away. But it got harder each time. 

_ Remember the day of grief, _

_ Now it's strange for me. _

He felt so much anger, so much rage. They caught her, but at what cost? They couldn’t even question her. Couldn’t figure out her motives. 

He hit the glass, a choked sob echoing throughout the room. 

_ I could see your face, _

_ I could hear your voice. _

...

  
  


He stared out his window, the darkness shrouding the destruction that occurred only a few days earlier. He felt so useless, his ankle barely able to heal because he never let himself rest. 

There was a knock at his door. 

“Don’t come in.” 

Levi didn’t even have to look to know who would obey his direct order, opening the door and cautiously peering inside. 

“I wanted to check up on you.”

“Why?”

Eren froze, clearly not expecting that question. He thought for a moment, shutting the door behind him. “I know how you feel, Corporal.”

“How would you know?” He snapped back, “just leave me alone. Please,” he said, an ache of desperation in his voice. 

_ Remember the day we met, _

_ It's painful for me. _

_ Because nobody wants to die too fast. _

Eren stepped towards him, but not too close. “We’re different. No one could possibly understand what it’s like to carry the weight of the world except for us. I know you try to carry it by yourself, but you don’t have to.” 

Levi didn’t say anything. 

“I know how it feels to be angry. To lose the people you love. To fight and win but feel like you still lost… And,” he continued, “it’s harder to deal with things if you keep them to yourself.”

“Eren,” Levi interjected, a hushed whisper. “Don’t.” He looked down at his hands. They were shaking. He was losing control. 

_ Remember a day we dreamt, _

_ It's painful for me. _

Eren only became more confident. “Give me some of the burden. Let’s carry it together.” He stepped forward, grabbing onto one of Levi’s shaking hands. The warmth spread from Eren to Levi, lighting up his hand. 

If Levi was more composed, he would have pushed Eren away. But he was losing all his strength. It was too hard…

Levi squeezed his hand, finally meeting Eren’s eyes. A swirl of blue and green, yet unwavering. “Please, Levi. Let me help you,” Eren begged.

_ I could see your face, _

_ I could hear your voice. _

Levi didn’t even register the lack of formality. His mind was moving at a thousand miles a minute yet it felt like time was moving so slowly. 

“Can I hug you?” 

Levi couldn’t speak, nodding before he realized what he was doing. A lapse in judgement. A crack in the thick walls surrounding his emotions. 

Eren closed the distance between them, delicately encircling his arms around Levi’s waist. Levi was stunned, his reflexes slow. He let Eren hug him, the warmth seeping in and widening the cracks. He brought up his hands, wrapping them around Eren’s shoulders. It felt so wrong, but so safe. 

“Eren,” he started, voice cracking. “I can’t do this.” 

_ Song for the reluctant heroes. _

_ Oh Give me your strength, _

_ Our life is so short. _

“I thought you were so cold at first. I thought you didn’t care. But you do, you care so much. You care enough to be strong for everyone while they’re falling apart. I saw what you did for Dieter. I know that was Petra’s. You sacrifice yourself for everyone, never giving time to yourself.”

“You… how the fuck…” How did Eren know all of that? 

“I wanted to understand you.”

“But… why?”

Eren pushed him away slightly, smiling brightly. “Didn’t I already tell you? Share the burden with me. I care about you, Levi. I want you to have someone you can rely on.” 

“I can’t. Everyone I rely on dies.” 

_ Song for the reluctant heroes, _

_ I wanna be brave like you. _

“Not me,” Eren reassured. “I can’t die unless you kill me.” 

A tear slipped from the corner of Levi’s eye, sliding down his cheek and onto the floor. He sighed, pulling Eren close and hugging him again. “Fine. But if you tell anyone about this…” The threat hanging into the air.

Eren laughed. “I’ll keep it secret. I promise.” 

_ From my heart…  _

_ Thank you.  _


	2. calling my reluctant heroes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> levi recalls how everything went wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> manga spoilers ^_^
> 
> i'm sad so i vented my feelings i hope u enjoy  
> also if u have any thoughts about the manga please comment i would like to hear ur opinions <3
> 
> also sorry if there are any errors i didn't feel like editing whoops  
> and maybe i'll write one more chapter from eren's pov :D

_ He lost his brother a month ago _

_ His picture's on the wall and it reminds me…  _

_...  _

Diamond.

Beautiful. Strong. Unbreakable. 

Years passed, still without a crack. 

Levi continued to do what was necessary. They made it to the ocean and it was unlike anything he had ever seen. He thought that seeing the sky for the first time was a miracle, but this… this couldn’t be real. There was no way that this cruel world could contain something so beautiful, so  _ free. _ He finally understood Armin’s fascination.

They killed all of the titans. Every last one of them. 

But victory was still so far away. They weren’t the only ones in this world. There were lands beyond the ocean, containing so much more than any of them could have ever imagined. 

They were the enemy, and in order to truly be free, they needed to keep fighting. 

_ When he brings me coffee, his smile _

_ I wish I could be with him 'til my last day _

So many lives had been lost already, how many needed to be lost until they won? Until they achieved victory?

_ Can't look back, they will not come back _

_ Can't be afraid, but time after time _

Erwin was gone. They lost all but nine of the Wings of Freedom. 

_ It is like a nightmare and it's pain for me _

_ Because nobody wants to die too fast _

There were nights where Levi couldn’t sleep. He’d roam the shores, cold eyes observing the progress they’ve made. The progress that cost so many lives, so many damn lives. His gaze hardened. He couldn’t let those deaths be in vain. He would continue to fight, until death took his last breath. 

_ Remember the day of grief, now it's strange for me _

_ I can see your face, I can hear your voice _

He never seemed to be able to get rid of that puppy-like brat that constantly followed him around. Eren was insistent on shouldering the burden, so Levi let him. He knew that there were things that Eren didn’t tell anyone, ever since he unlocked his father’s memories. Levi never pushed him, he trusted him.

The last thing he expected was for that trust to be broken. 

It was shattered. Sharp pieces etched into his back. 

_ I'm crying, missing my lover _

_ I don't have the power on my side forever. _

He remembered the first time it happened. He killed so many innocent people, and his actions even led to the death of their beloved Sasha. Levi had to arrest Eren. Gray met green, and the naive passion that had once filled those eyes had turned dark. 

This wasn’t Eren. Levi tried to justify his actions, tried to have some sort of hope that the boy that he’s been training, even become  _ friends _ with, was still there. 

But he wasn’t. Mikasa and Armin even couldn’t get through to him.

There was an emptiness that he had never seen before, like Eren had lost all hope. It was fucking scary. That boy was so unpredictable, always had been, but now Levi didn’t know if he had their best interests at heart. The boy that didn’t care about the consequences, just that his friends were alive and breathing. 

_ Oh, where is my lover in this final hour _

_ I'm standing alone today, calling out your name. _

That boy was gone. 

_ Sie sind das Essen? Und wir sind die Jäger _

_ Sie sind das Essen? Und wir sind die Jäger _

_ Sie sind das Essen? Und wir sind die Jäger _

_ Sie sind das Essen, sie sind das Essen... _

Eren had escaped with the aid of an army of his followers. 

_ Finally we march in victory, this is our first Gloria _

_ Oh my friend, let's toast to victory when we meet again _

Oh, how Levi longed for victory. But it was a victory that would never come. The end of the world was upon them.

The diamond had cracked. 

Levi should have died. If it weren’t for Hanji… 

Sometimes he wished that he  _ had _ died. He didn’t want to fight anymore, he was so damn tired. And especially now that his enemy was Eren, the boy that swore that he’d always be there for Levi. What a fucking joke. 

He let his heart be opened for the first time and Eren crushed it. He knew it was his fault. He knew vulnerability was a weakness, yet he still let himself be vulnerable. It was his job to kill Eren when he became dangerous, when he became a threat to humanity. But his foolish attachment to the boy had clouded his judgement.  _ Levi  _ was the reason that this was happening. 

This was the weakest he’s ever been. He wanted to laugh. Isn’t it so sick and twisted that when the world needed him to be strong the most, he wasn’t? 

_ In this beautiful, cruel world so dark and frightening _

_ Are we never to obtain a sign or a reason why we're still alive? _

He might as well just give up. It seemed that half the world had already been killed by the titans. What was the point to keep fighting? When death was inevitable?

_ Someone once was calling out my name _

_ But now I can't make out a single word _

The crack deepened. Hanji, like the dumb fuck they were, decided they wanted to go out like a hero. 

His mother. His squad. Erwin. His scouts. Hanji. All of them, gone. 

It never ended. The pain and loss never ended. 

He couldn’t even cry anymore. The grief he felt was so immense that he couldn’t feel anything. 

_ Is this the end we cannot mend, we're slowly dying _

_ If we're here despite the fear, we must keep fighting _

But he had to keep fighting. If not for the survival for humanity, for the death of humanity. He’s been fighting for his entire life, he couldn’t give up now. He desperately needed to avenge those who were lost, even if he died trying. 

_ We don't know what went wrong tonight _

_ Everybody's got no place to hide _

Tonight was the final battle. He couldn’t waste his time thinking about where he went wrong. 

It happened anyway. 

“Captain Levi,” a voice called out from behind. 

“What is it, Eren?” 

“Would you still kill me?” He asked tentatively, eyes wide and curious. 

“What do you mean?” 

“If I ever became a threat, you’re supposed to kill me.” 

“Are you going to be a threat?” Levi raised an eyebrow. 

Eren sighed, looking up at the sky. “I hope not.” 

“Then I won’t kill you.” 

Eren giggled, bouncing closer to Levi. “Or maybe you actually care about me.”

“Disgusting. Why would I care about a gross brat like you?”

Before Levi could even blink, large arms wrapped around him. “It’s okay, Levi. I can admit it for the both of us.”

This had happened so many times that Levi gave up trying to resist. He melted into Eren’s embrace, his head falling onto Eren’s chest. 

Eren knew… he always knew. Levi should have been more perceptive. 

_ No one's left and there's no one to go on _

_ All I know is my life is gone _

“Hey Levi, you know I’d never let anything happen to you, right?” 

“Eren, you’re aware that I’m the one who’s supposed to be protecting you, right?”

“Who says I can’t protect you too?” 

You did, Eren. You orchestrated the end of the world. 

_ Sing for reluctant heroes _

_ Oh give me your strength, your lives are too short _

Please, let me fight. Give me the strength to fight. Erwin. Hanji. Please… 

_ Oh, where is my lover? _

The sky was so bleak. The stench of blood wafted through the air. Screams echoed around him. 

_ I can see your face, I can hear your voice _

“Eren, please…” 

“This wasn’t supposed to happen, Levi. You weren’t supposed to be here. You were supposed to be on the island, safe and protected. God, no...” 

Levi’s vision blurred. Was that Eren? It couldn’t be.

_ Now I'm standing alone today _

It all went dark. 

_ Calling my reluctant heroes. _


End file.
